But now, on Wednesdays only, it’s the gayest carnival on Earth. With Kenny Kenny working the door (the most androgynous and recognizable door person in New York) and Amanda Lepore (the most famous transsexual in the world) working the floor, I knew my date and I were going to be entertained with tons of flamboyant energy. I was not disappointed. To enter, you literally walked through the mouth of a giant clown face, not knowing where you were going to wind up. After zigging and zagging through the funhouse-like clown head, you exited in front of a long row of carnival games. The lucky players left with stuffed animals. We enjoyed the DJ, the clowns, the jugglers, the dancers and the energy only 1,000 gay men and drag queens can create. My date and I, along with everyone in the room, celebrated the joy of being kids again. Popcorn, cotton candy, candy apples, hot pretzels and a fun crowd… send in the clowns! Especially the ones with big, swollen, red… fill in the blank… (noses of course, you pervert!)

From morning till night, you can hear around 20 amazing house music DJs perform back to back. During the day, the party takes place on the ship’s pool deck or at a resort in the Bahamas (like the one I went on). In the evening, the ship’s ballroom becomes a huge club filled with lasers, smoke machines, disco balls and go-go girls. Swim, dance and party for four days straight; the action is non-stop.

The ringleader is a dynamic entertainment host named Buster from A3 Television. He is so energetic and so funny that he could turn a funeral into a party. On top of that, he personally guarantees that this Titanic party boat will never hit an iceberg. Wow, if only the Navy could be like that…

To celebrate his 80th birthday, he added another “0” to his age and invited 800 of his dearest friends, relatives, and colleagues to celebrate the happy occasion. The tent, the length of a football field, was so long it could be described as a party tunnel instead of a party tent. It was decorated and landscaped by someone with great taste. Yes I said landscaped, because gorgeous bushes, trees and flowers hung from the ceiling like a botanical garden in the sky. The highlight of the evening was the 10-piece orchestra, which came in from the back of the tent playing “When The Saints Go Marching In,” carving a path through the crowd all the way to the front. Even though I’m clearly no saint, I saw this as my opportunity to angle for a better view of the mighty Soros, so I tailed the band all the way. Now I was just steps away from all the action. Everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to George while I watched him playfully mug for the cameras and blow out the last candle for his birthday wish. I don’t know what he wished for, but I’m wishing for an invite to his 90th birthday. It was a legendary event for a truly legendary man.

Party 1—Time to Give Back.

The first party I went to last Saturday was a charity event for the Red Cross. LL Cool J was the guest of honor, which explains why the first person I saw upon entering the bash was music mogul Russell Simmons.

It’s a good thing there were no bulls around (plenty of farms in the Hamptons) because my bright red peace cape would have made me an easy target. But I figured it was a “Red” Cross party, so wearing a red peace cape would be appropriate. Plus, if there was peace, there would be less battlefield casualties and troops needing mending from The Red Cross.

The setting was by far the best aspect of the party. The beautifully landscaped home had a backyard facing a never-ending canal which looked like an oil painting created by one of the great masters of classic art. Such a peaceful and beautiful backdrop made you forget for a moment that wars are raging around the globe.

Party 2—Time to Eat.

After cocktails at the Red Cross party, everyone was hungry. We arrived at a friend’s 25-year wedding anniversary party right as the Rabbi was finishing his speech about love and loyalty.

The groom actually repeated the vows he made to his wife 25 years ago and stepped on the glass just like he did on his wedding night. The shattered glass reminds Jews of the Temple that was destroyed in Jersusalem and how fragile relationships are. Once you smash a glass it’s hard to put it back together again (like humpty dumpty) so you should be very careful how you treat each other.

Once the service was over, everyone ate… and if you’ve ever been to a Jewish wedding, you know there’s enough food for three weddings, not one.

Party 3—Time to Play.

Costumed parties are the best kinds of parties, so when we got to the Heaven and Hell party, we knew it would be wild. Red devils and white angels surrounded us as a lesbian rock group called Lez Zeppelin performed “Stairway To Heaven.” After an incredible performance, we got the hell out of there (no pun intended) and headed back to my castle for an after-hours skinny dip. As Dorothy learned in The Wizard of Oz, there really is no place like home (to party), especially when the pool is full of naked Dorothys. Well that’s not exactly true. They weren’t all named Dorothy! My apologies. Class dismissed.

Almost hidden on 8th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues is a gorgeous townhouse-like structure. Look for the brick façade because there is no sign. Instead of walking into a home, you walk into a restaurant that feels like home. Because I was celebrating the birthday of my beautiful date, Mayi, a stunner born in Peru, I wanted everything to be just right. I was not disappointed. After putting me in the most romantic private dining room, with velvet walls, tall table candles, and a medieval shield ornament, they made sure that the birthday girl was made to feel special. A complimentary glass of rose champagne from Spain was a nice touch, but what made my date’s face light up was the chocolate mousse cake that read “Happy Birthday Miss Peru.” (Yes, she is so hot that I nicknamed her Miss Peru).

Rocco, the owner, has tons of experience in the food and entertainment business having owned a string of restaurants and nightclubs, but this one “The Rabbit in the Moon” must mean “The Best Restaurant Downtown” in some sort of secret code. That makes sense since I felt like secret agent 007: James Bond in the hidden dining room with my sexy birthday “Bond” girl.

While the horses are beautiful, the players handsome, and the field immaculate, if you really want people to watch the sport during the extreme heat, cool the tent! Certainly Mercedes-Benz could find an air conditioner sponsor. Once the tent was cool, people might have the patience to try and find the tiny little ball the horsemen are whacking across the field with their mallets, attempting to score a goal. Until then, I’ll admire the models, enjoy the free drinks and hors d’oeuvres, try and spot celebrities, and catch up on the latest gossip—just like everyone else! I mean, really, what’s more fun, seeing hot reality TV star Kim Kardashian in person, or trying to follow that little white ball somewhere on the opposite side of the field? Big boobs or little white ball? Tough choice.

This past Monday I got to see The Extra Man starring Kevin Kline, Paul Dano and Katie Holmes followed by a unique after-party at what has to be the trendiest Italian restaurant I’ve ever seen in New York: Vapiano.

The red neon bar and red Venetian glass chandelier were spectacular and I was greeted by what appeared to be 100 chefs all wearing bright red chef’s hats. The beauty of it was that each of the guests had their own private chef, ensuring that their pasta, pizza or salad was made exactly the way they liked it. Crusted pesto and chicken pizzas came out every four minutes along with other delicacies, making this post-party a blast. Peggy, if I am permitted to call you Peggy, great performance! Enjoy your Oscar. You deserve it!

The beauty of it all was that the venue wasn’t full of rowdy teenagers with fake IDs. How DJ Lee Kalt made them disappear is something only David Blaine knows for sure. Real class and a total blast.

Rumor has it, this musical magic trick may be a new weekly Saturday night treat. Guess I should have saved that line for Halloween.